Friday, July 18, 2008

Marrying an elder women. Does it make sense?

It's been a tradition in india or rather across the globe (as per my observation) that a marriage usually happens between a younger woman and an elder man.
If we take a historic data of 7-8 decades then we would see that the women's age had been too less than her husband's age in olden days (around 15 yrs gap).And slowly with time the age gap starting decreasing and decreasing further . Now the average age gap of marriage would be 3 yrs with the woman still being younger than the man.

But then there are instances where we would also see some love marriages happening where a women is elder than the man (popular case is sachin tendulkar).
But then society doesn't welcome these marriages at all and people look at them as if it's a big sin created, as if it's a very nasty and a shameless act.

I recently came across two such cases in my close vicinity and have also closely observed how bad the near and dear feel about it. They feel as if the couple have commited an unpardonable sin of marrying an elder women.

But then if you really think seriously on this, i did not find anything very wrong in this.
In fact, if we look back to the aryan times (ramayana, mahabharata etc etc), we will find many couples in the mythology where the wifes were elder than the men.
Good example is Sita who is considered elder than Rama, according to one school of thoughts.
Another example is draupadi who should have been elder than atleast some of of her husbands.
Another example is Radha who was elder than Krishna

The people whom we worship or treat as path finders themselves have done this kind of marriage many years back.

If we talk about later years also, i am not sure how many couples really knew their age when they got married.
Even now i find many people in slums or people with very large families not remembering their children's age or date of birth.
Then how can they be so sure than their daughter is marrying an elder man only or son is marrying an younger women only?


When asked some people why they think a women should be younger than man, the first answer that i get is that 'science insists atleast two years gap be between then man and the women'.
Correct. Agreed. But what's missing here is... science only says that their should be age gap, but it never says if women should be younger by two years or a man can also be younger than two years.


Another good and sensible reason i get for this is ---women start looking old soon, as compared to men. So if a man marries an elderly women, then she starts looking much more older after marriage and that might affect their mutual physical interests.
This does make sense .
But then, is this reason of retaining physical interest much more important than the love between both the couples. I think it's not.

Though i do not specifically encourage these kind of marriages as i do not find any special benefits out of them , but i still do not find anything wrong in it as well.
I think they can be treated just as any other marriage.

I don't think there is anything in these kinds of marriages which needs to be treated as a sin or something very strange.

We should not be playing a double game by praying sita, drupadi or radha as an ideal women on one side, and on the other side curse the modern women for a similar act. Same thing holds good for men also.

After all it's we , the socienty, who are the makers of all kinds of rules and we must not accept any rule blindly unless it makes sense, just because some ancestor told it's a sin.

26 comments:

సుధాకర్(శోధన) said...

I can see two reasons behind this custom across world..one of them is a bad reason :-)

01. men wanted to be dominating role (age automatically gives that).Since ages they just wanted to use women as early as possible for production of next generation (that is nature's law of evolution and breeding).This causes women to enter in to marital bonds in thier early ages where the men enter bit late.

02. Women are matured in many things than men at the same age levels. They are the best administartors right from the age of 8, where as it is bit later for men anywhere in this world. Women does'nt really have to be elder than men, because they will be already elder mentally :-)

new_blogger said...

As u rightly said, it doesnt make any big difference. However there is some amount of meaning what has been told.
as rightly mentioned by other blogger, women are much mature than a man with the same age.
Dont you see this as a MAJOR reason?
Apart from physical stuff, the mental maturity also matters. So there will always be a mismatch in their wavelength.
And in todays world where Extra Marietal affairs are getting worse i feel that its good to have da age gap.
All said and done "Love is Blind"

Anjana said...

newblogger:
i also used to give the same reason about women being mentally matured to others. But later i did not find any scientific proof/material that says this as a reference.
If you find the reference then do share, which says women are mentally more matured than men.
As a women that would be the best compliment i would like to have ;)

jardin said...

am in love with a older woman 4 yrs elder to me. am in the US while she is back in India. Am confused..could you give me some suggestions.

Anonymous said...

hi my name is hari. i'm also in somewhat the same situation. i'm also in love with a girl; but i'm 29 and she is 33. we work in the same company. i had revealed my love to her and said that i really want to live a life with her. but she's not interested in married life. she loves to live with her mother forever coz she is too much attached to her mother and she doesn't likes to leave her at any cost.

Harikumar.G said...

I don't think there is a problem in marrying a woman who is elder than me coz I'm already in love with a woman elder than my age.

Anonymous said...

i am an 23 year old guy and i met a brazillian girl on internet 28 years old ..well i don,t know how we came so close that we fell for each other... we love each other a lot ...but the age difference and the society makes me think twice whether to go ahead .....

Anonymous said...

I am in the same situation as some of commentors, Im 26 and the one i love is 30, and shes back in Pakistan where I am in UK. Im also confused by alot of ppl saying tht these marriges doesnt work well, but i belive if two ppl love each other and dont wana leave one another, theres no point of the marrige not working. secondly, comes the point of loosing intrest, so i must tell here that i have seen alot of women younger than their husbands lost their looks after child birth, so one could loose intrest in that case as well, while many elder women have maintained themselves well so they look younger than their age. About child birth, a women could give birth to child till 40, and may be even after that, and there are many couples where younger women couldnt give birth to any child. Children are blesing of God, if one has a fate of becoming a parent, he will be, no matter he marries younger or older girl. it is the true love which keeps two people together, not the physical looks. if Looks were the main factor of living with eachother, then u can imagine how many marriges would have been broken by now. As long as they truly love each other, they would live together no matter how both of them LOOKS.At least it is better than the couple looking perfect together but not having love with eachother.
thats why i have decided to marry my elder girlfriend, and I am strongly stick to my decision. May God help both of us and maintain our love for each other!

Anonymous said...

The above two reasons Mr.Madhukar analysed seem to be apt.What ever the reasons age difference marriages or inter religious marriages are all considered sins in present society--I personally feel they r much better than those arranged marriages where the grooms are auctioned in a sort of business market for dowry or higher financial securities offered by the bride's side.Even if the arranged marriages r not done for financial reasons --they sound so absurd as u need to marry someone whom u really r not aware of--u need to stay with them together mentally and physically only bcoz ur parents have selected them and u have to stay so--its all business oriented---so i feel theres nothing wrong in age diference love marriages or inter religious marriages as they r far better than these meaningless arranged marriages

Anonymous said...

First of all I congratulate this blogger for coming up with such a relevent topic.As u have been hearing it for ages '' every thing is fare in love and war''.AGE difference is immetreial if two persons are holding a true love.Do any body have the notion that big age difference makes a strong relationship? since the girl will alwyas look younger? In a marriage after certain years u will not find beauty will have no value only feeling for each other ,sharing the responsibilty and caring for each other .. that only strengthen a relationship. nothing else.. if u are in love just go ahead with ur lover and dream a wonderful life with him/her.

RaviG said...

Thank You that's greatly put forward. U just solved my biggest dilemma.
And can u please tell me where i can find the information about sita and draupadhi ,cause I too heard it but never read it and never really cared.

But since this thing became personal I need to convince some people here.

The girl loves me like hell and I cant lose her 4 this reason Please somebody helpp, Time is running out.

my id is sky_hawk143@yahoo.co.in

Anonymous said...

Hi. .im janvi 26,and he's 25. .both of us are so much in love and are planning to get married next year. .bt we have heard a lot of negative comments from both families saying that i'l look more mature than him in my forties,i'l lose interest in sex earlier than him and he'l leave me for a younger woman. .i trust him completly bt while he ignores these comments im a bit worried and confused. .pls clarify my doubts and if there r anyone married to older gal/younger guy pls advice me with ur experience. .thanks so much and i really appreciate this topic and who ever startd it.

Anonymous said...

Hi. .im janvi 26,and he's 25. .both of us are so much in love and are planning to get married next year. .bt we have heard a lot of negative comments from both families saying that i'l look more mature than him in my forties,i'l lose interest in sex earlier than him and he'l leave me for a younger woman. .i trust him completly bt while he ignores these comments im a bit worried and confused. .pls clarify my doubts and if there r anyone married to older gal/younger guy pls advice me with ur experience. .thanks so much and i really appreciate this topic and who ever startd it.

Gargi said...

My boyfriend (age 30) who knew me for years, dumped me for this age difference....i was 5 yrs elder to him......same age issue, he got scared of being dominated...that actually got more boost since his friends also gave him sarcastic comments like 'she earn more than you' 'you won a lottery having her' 'she will dominate' 'can she be pregnant at 35?' 'she will look old after baby'........society and this kind of age old beliefs actually at time backfires too much.....does education teach being close minded and not believe in your heart, not true to yourself......I question today all these

love.efutureindia.com said...

This is the foolish and man dominated society rule that women must be younger. Both man and women enjoy younger and fresh partners, but man's dominace makes it against women, who are forced to marry older man. As of scinece, the average life expectancy of woman is atleast 2-5 years more than man, and so if we want happy couple, and no widow or widower, then women must be 2-5 year older, else current trend of 2-3 younger, makes women vulnarable for a widow hood of about 8 years (3 which is age gap, and 5 year more life expectancy average), so society must change all age marrige must be happy seen and allowed. If u see carefully in older age, most widow are women not men, because of the wrong society age rules. Find you love not just partner at http://love.efutureindia.com

Joel said...

Did not God first create Adam before He thought Adam needed a suitable companion? Did he not create them and see that it was good? This was before was sin was born in the world.

I think God wouldn't approve of any thing such as this. Do not forget in addition to this, all the things He's told us through Moses and Paul still holds good about a marriage. Its a committment and not an easy thing to compromise. If the girl is willing to marry someone this young, I am sorry to say but, she must be desperate.

I was reading this and something struck me to type and I believe its from God. I am sorry if it offends any reader. May God bless you all!

PRABHAKAR said...

hi all,this is prabhakar.nobody need to feel that marrying a elder lady is a sin or difficult task to maintain.and more over as early told by some that ppl lose physical interest....its always der for those who r havin waiverin mentalty.in any marital relation one should give respect to other.earlier man used to giv less respect to women so we r marrying accordingly.though women get offended they hav patience not to break relation.now a days ratio of man to women is not even 4:1.so now a days gettin a women for marriage itself is tough job.so nobody dares to hurt women that frequently.scientifically no body told that women must b of lesser age.so no need to worry at all....but the thing is u must believe from bottom of ur heart that u r not leaving ur companion in any odd case.
if one believes in his love der's no reason in asking for suggestion bcos though he gets a -ve answer he is prepared to marry his lover.......

Anonymous said...

interesting post. I would love to follow you on twitter.

Anonymous said...

Hi Guys, its nothing worng in getting married to a girl elder to the boy.its a mere rule made by man himself in this society.im n love with my boyfriend for 4 yrs now n he is 6 months younger to me.none of our family members have a problem n we are very happy with eachother.

Anonymous said...

I agree with some of the above persons. If we take a case where the traditional marriage happens with elder groom and younger bride. The only one reason they say about this is, the women will more matured than men, which grow with the age. does this means men are dumb??? no.

if its correct...how many women are still struggling with their husbands? they are simply commanding them and making their day happen. in olden days men used to sigh their wifes to get their work. and put them in control. where as now a days, women were given freedom and they are involving all the issues of a family...i can say..my mother is illiterate and also..5 years younger than my father. she argues io nsome matters with my father... in some matters my father dont agree with her. odes the age gap done anyhting in this case. so what i want to conclude is the age never matters..the gap should be limited as between +3 or -3//that means the age difference of men and women must be 0 < diff < 3 years.

sudhin said...

hi i am 20 and my girl frnd is 25 and she loves me more than anything in this world and it is the same from me but the problem is about the marriage and how will it affect my future life...? can any one who have already been or being in this situation suggest or advise me on this plz ..

Naim said...

If you analyse the life of beloved prophet of humanity Mohammed ( Peace be upon him ), you will notice that when he was 25, he married to 40 years old widow Khadija ( May Allah's Mercy be on her) when the proposal came from her. This is a great example.

Anonymous said...

All have talked about age gap +-5yrs. What if the age gap is more, say more than 10 - 15 - 20yrs.In our societies across the globe grooms can have brides less than half their age - society has been accepting this since its coming into existence. But what if the bride is elder by 10-20 years? Still can the couple live ' happily ever after, because all is fair in love?'or have to live an isolated life away from family and social circles? In this case all fears are increased - looking old, dying early,not having children, he leaving for someone younger.

But in history such marriages have happened. yet the question is 'did they live happily ever after?'

I wish someone who is living such a relation would see this blog and answer by their experience.All of us are either hypothesizing,are amateurs (just in love but not stepped ahead and defied the societal norms) or hiding behind the cloak of God.Are there any living examples still?
.............
Joel you abused love by calling a women desperate only because her 'SIN' is to love a man who is younger to her in age? What does GOD call a man of 80 marrying a girl of 12?

In love you are not lustful but you are desperate to have a single glimps of your loved one.You are not desperate to get physical with the other but to remove all troubles and obstacles from other's path. Lust dies with time but Love lives on. With lust and desperation you fall, but in true love you burn and rise - I'm surprised how could you miss God's words on 'Love'!

Sorry for getting personal, but I feel like slapping you on your face Joel - know the difference of 'Love' as a noun and 'Love' as a verb.
........

Thanks Anjana for puting this question on a platform.

Anonymous said...

thanx for all these opinions....now i feel i am not alone

anynomous said...

That's a good discussion...even i was in love with a guy who is just 9 days younger than me...and our parents object 4 dis age gap..since they believe it as a sin...how 2 convince them...I haven't found d in4mation about seeta and draupadi in our mythology...of course i heard it.
Though v r of same age...he behaves in a quite matured way than me. I think v will b happy despite of dis age matter...bt how abt our parents!

Anonymous said...

my gf is 10 years older than me I am 26 n she is 36. we feel convenient n love each othet.does relatipnship works furthet,,, or problem comes? suggestiom pls.....